The horrifying phenomenon of Christmas traffic has long since been accepted by society in the same way society has learned to accept things like abject poverty, natural calamities, and Kris Aquino’s acting career. Even so, very little is known about the actual source of traffic during the days running up to Christmas time. Thanks to a whistleblower who contacted us earlier this week, Agila News is able to probe deeper on the possibility that most of it, in fact, is deliberately caused by the few who benefit from the traffic.
This is the interview of “Pekto”, a big boss street vendor insider who wishes to be anonymous but in the name of Christmas and Santa Claus would like to finally shed light on what might turn out to be one of the biggest Yuletide money-making schemes since Payanig sa Pasig.
Pekto, ano ang iyong hanapbuhay?
Ako po ay isang street vendor. I sell things like mineral water, crackers, and LTO license card holders. You know, stuff.
M-marunong kang magingles?
Ehkskyusmi. Just because I make benta all these wares, I no longer know how to English? How do you think we sell kimchi to Korean drivers during traffic? Sign language? Nagtatagalog lang kami to make sure the jeje drivers understand noh.
Ok ok. Please, let us just continue.
Good. I’m a very busy businessman. *clears throat*
What is your modus operandi?
We sell things on the street. The more traffic it gets, the more time it takes for people to make up their minds whether or not they want to buy a walis tambo and cellphone casings in the middle of the road.
Why cellphone casings and walis tambo? And if I remember correctly, also those tiny umbrella hats that are fucking useless against pretty much anything?
Because we want to prove to you that we can sell you anything. As long as there’s traffic. As long as you’re stuck in C5, YOU. ARE. OUR. BITCHES. Kung may gusto akong ibenta, kahit ayaw mo, dahil wala kang choice, bibilihin at bibilihin mo. Parang movies lang ni Vic Sotto.
But you also sell “nilagang mani”?
Sure, why not? I love nilagang mani. Everybody loves nilagang mani.
Eh yung itlog ng pugo?
Ah. Gusto ko lang makita magkalat sa loob ng sasakyan yung mga tao dahil sa gutom.
So are you saying that you are the ones causing the traffic? Di po ba kayo nantatakot na magbenta sa delikadong lansangan?
Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much I make a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop going into work? A business big enough that it could be listed on the NASDAQ goes belly up. Disappears! It ceases to exist without me. No, you clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks!
Wait, that sounds familiar.
Sorry, got carried away. Kakatapos ko lang ng Breaking Bad.
*ahem* To answer your question, oo. We cause the traffic. We deliberately make sure there’s traffic so we can sell our tiny bullshit trinkets and make money off your misery.
And you do this how, exactly?
It’s simple. The more cars there are in the road, the more traffic it gets.
Wait, how does that work?
We supply the cars.
Are you going to elaborate on that because that makes zero sense?
We hire people to drive our cars for us. Sa bawat vendor, may at least 5 cars. Tapos 5 drivers. Tapos, tatambay lang sila sa may C5 o sa may EDSA. Either dun sa malapit sa Reliance o sa tapat ng Eastwood. Dun sa may U-turn slot.
Teka. Are you saying you’re rich enough to own FIVE cars?
Don’t be surprised. It’s a foolproof business plan. I sell stuff on the street. I buy car. I use car to cause traffic. I sell to my own car. I sell more stuff. I buy more car. Genius diba?
I don’t think…
And that is why you are a stupid reporter for Agila News and I am in the empire business.
Did you just –
Sorry. Breaking Bad. Sorry.
Do you have any final words for people who will be reading this?
Oo. Kapag traffic, kasalanan namin yun. Pero pag nabaril ka dahil asal hayop ka habang traffic, kasalanan mo na yun. Wag kakain ng itlog ng pugo at gatas ng sabay. At pag di na aabot sa CR, bumili ka na lang ng mineral water, ubusin ang laman, at diskartehan na lang ng malupit. And remember, Just Always Pray At Night.
Love is like a rosary full of mysteries. Thank you for letting me sign your slumbook. XOXO