Metro Manila Mall to handcuff customers to prevent crimes

A local mall in the Philippines, which asked not to be named, is planning a bold step in the battle against crime: They are going to handcuff everyone entering the mall to make sure that theft no longer occurs inside the premises.

Retired Gen. James Mediodanga, a security consultant for the mall, told Agila News that ever since the infamous Martilyo Gang had been terrorizing other establishments, they have been looking towards measures to ensure security.

“Some malls have banned the sale of hammers inside the mall. Some even have banned the use of caps, since this is how the perpetrators hide their faces from the CCTV, but we feel that these are all half-measures,” said Mediodanga. “We have seen the footage of the attacks and seen that the problem is not hammers, nor is it caps. It is their hands. If we eliminate the use of the hands, then we can eliminate crime completely from inside the malls.”

The controversial plan will also handcuff mall employees, including sales personnel, cashiers, janitors and even security guards. “We know that crimes can be committed by anyone. Therefore, we decided to restrain everyone,” added Mediodanga. “If mall patrons see that security personnel are handcuffed, and treated like everybody else, then they will feel safer.”

During a dry-run of this plan, there was some confusion at the entrances of the mall. Apparently, due to some planning mishaps, there was not enough handcuffs for everyone. Some adults were asked to share restraints with complete strangers. Children’s hands were tied together using a combination of rope, duct-tape and Mighty Bond. Adults over the age of 70 were tied using straws from fast food restaurants.

“I definitely feel much safer now,” said a male mall patron. “It will be very hard to steal or to do any basic task with these handcuffs. Now, will you be a sweetheart and scratch my balls? The itch is driving me crazy!”

“I don’t trust babies and it is good to see that they are finally being treated like the potential threats that they are,” said another female patron while giving the finger to an infant.

“I was skeptical at first. But, I think this is the right move,” said an employee of a hot dog stand. “My hands are covered in third-degree burns from accidentally touching the fryer, but it is a small price to pay. Also, could you be a doll and scratch my ass? The itch is driving me crazy!”

Mediodanga said that he had previously recommended to just cut peoples hands off as soon as they enter, but mall officials had concerns regarding disposal of the chopped body parts. “I told them that we could have just as easily fed the hands to dogs,” Mediodanga commented. “But then they asked where we would keep the dogs, and it started this whole discussion on proper dog care, bla bla bla, yadda yadda, so we just went with the handcuffs.” 


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