Not having sex with Kris Aquino will make life better, research shows

Some of the top scientists and researchers in the country have come to the astounding conclusion that if you do not have sex with Kris Aquino, your life will become significantly more productive and successful.

“It is very hard to deny the facts. Our years of study into this have yielded such definitive conclusions.” remarked one researcher, who asked not to be named. “We are pretty sure that if you did not have sexual relations with Kris Aquino in the past, present or future, you are probably a happier person, compared to someone who has.”

Actor Phillip Salvador, whom Kris had an extra-marital affair with in 1995, was recently sentenced to 20 years in prison by the Las Pinas trial court for Estafa or Fraud.

Joey Marquez, former Mayor of Paranaque City, also had a relationship with Kris Aquino in 2003. He reportedly pointed a gun at her and gave her an STD.

Her last relationship was with PBA star James Yap, whom she had a son with. After separating with Kris, his basketball career has not been as good as previous years. His points per game, free-throw percentage, assists per game, and receptionists-to-have-sex-with per season has taken a noticeable tumble.

“One can clearly see that having sex with Kris may have some positive effects in the short-term, but over the long run, no one can escape the curse of her poonani,” claimed another researcher. “Our studies have shown, however, that your life could be slightly better if you decide to have sex with PNoy.”

“How you doin?”

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