Jesus Christ to spend Holy Week in Boracay


This coming Holy Week, many Catholics will be pleasantly surprised to find their favorite Son of God in the island paradise of Boracay.

“In the beginning, I was kinda bummed. ” said Mr. Christ during a press conference early this morning. “My followers are apparently out of town, having a great time, every Holy Week: The week where I was tortured, crucified and died on a cross. How’s a guy supposed to react to that?”

“Then my dad, God, sat me down one day and said, ‘Jay, my boy, you need to relax’.” The Messiah continued, “He told me that the people were not necessarily ignoring my suffering, nor celebrating my resurrection. They just wanted an excuse to swim, surf and get wasted during summer time.”

“So once I stopped taking it so personally, I decided to just take a break myself and join my peeps at Boracay. After all, that’s where everyone is. If they won’t come to me in the churches, I’ll come to them in the beaches.”

With regards to having a beach-ready body, Mr. Christ talked about his strict regiment of sit-ups. “I owe my abs to my trainer, Jimm Jayyag, who constantly pushed me to stay fit. He always used to tell me, ‘You are a public figure now. You need to stay fit.'”

“Sometimes, I would be so tired from exercising that I would think to myself, ‘I’d rather be crucified than do another sit-up!'” He laughed a little, shook his head, and then said, “Be careful what you wish for, I guess.”

Mr. Christ’s only complaint is that he seems to always miss the Cebu Pacific Piso-Fare sale. “I asked for preferential treatment, but they didn’t care. They never care.”

Before ending the press conference, Agila News asked if there was any truth to the rumors that he used to go out with Mary Magdalene. Mr. Christ smiled and commented, “Look, Mary and I are very good friends. In fact, I heard she is going out with an old boyfriend, and I sincerely hope that both her and Enrile find happiness.”

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