Timothy Bradley to boxing world: “Dionisia hexed me!”

Last Sunday, the whole country watched Manny Pacquiao fight to regain the WBO Welterweight Title from Timothy Bradley. And in the early rounds, it seemed Bradley was going to dominate this encounter.

Everyone hoped for a miracle.

A few rounds later, Dionisia Pacquiao (Manny’s mother) called upon her innate supernatural powers to answer everyone’s wish. Clutching a a prayer card and rosary in one hand, she seemingly cast an incantation to help her son win the match via unanimous decision.

“It was some kind of voodoo shit man!” Timothy Bradley said in a press conference after the fight. “One minute I was winning. Next thing I knew, I had both my hands down almost the entire bout. I was getting my ass whooped!”

“That’s why I kept swinging wildly at Manny.” Bradley continued, “That was the only way I was getting punches through. It was like my hands weighed a thousand pounds each.”

Before getting any further details, Timothy Bradley locked himself in a local chapel. He is reportedly dousing himself with Holy Water, in some futile attempt to counteract the spell.

Even Pacquiao’s boxing trainer, Freddie Roach, could not deny her hand in the fight. “I would really like to think that Manny won the fight on his own. But the evidence is caught on video. That old lady is straight up scary, son!”

Mommy Dionisia vehemently denies all allegations of hexing and/or Voodoo and/or supernatural powers against her.

“I was simply praying for my son.” Dionisia commented to reporters, while drinking some red liquid from the skull of an indeterminate farm animal.

Realizing the potential of her dark powers, a high-ranking Army Colonel has been in talks with the Pacquiao camp to ask for assistance in the conflicts in Mindanao. Asking not to be named, the Colonel only commented that. “This isn’t the age of spies. This is not even the age of heroes. This is the age of miracles… and there’s nothing more horrifying than a miracle.”


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