Breaking News: Filipino Man About To Complete New Year’s Resolution

Metro Manila — A 30-year-old man from Pateros is about to become the first person to actually stick to a New Year’s Resolution in nearly 20 years, city government officials made the announcement Thursday morning.

Dream Big
Dream Big

Tonton del Rosario has become an instant celebrity in his hometown after people learned that Tonton is going to fulfill his 2014 New Year’s Resolution within the year – a feat previously imagined as impossible. In a short interview with Mr. del Rosario, he said himself that he could not believe it.

“I could not believe it,” he said.

New Year’s Resolutions are a common tradition every year among Filipinos, but it is common knowledge that after February, nobody who promised to go to the gym every other day actually does, smokers who vow to quit usually eat a load of bull excrement after an average of 6.5 hours, and going to Church every Sunday is as difficult as ever. Worth noting that the last time somebody was able to fulfill a New Year’s Resolution was during 1995, when a certain Michael Pedroza vowed that he would stop skipping school to rollerblade and got run over by a van  on his way to skate with friends the following day.

In a separate interview, Tonton’s mother is beaming with pride. “I always knew Tonton is destined for great things. When he was eight, he placed top 5 in his class. And he won a classroom spelling bee contest when he was in high school,” said Mrs. Meming Del Rosario.

When asked for the reason for his success, Tonton sheepishly smiled. “Actually I forgot that I vowed never to sleep with my hair wet. It helped that our water supply gets cut off at night so I couldn’t wash my head before sleeping. By the time I realized this was happening, it was almost the end of the year.” Technically speaking, Tonton still has about three weeks to go before actually winning the game. “It’s driving me crazy. Now that I know what’s at stake it can get really intense. Sometimes I can hear the tabo calling my head.”

Mr. Del Rosario is finalizing several speaking engagements scheduled for early next year to inspire the next wave of resolution-makers. What is clear however, is that Tonton will not let this be the end of things.

“Next year, I’ll aim higher,” Tonton said, “I’ll stop global warming.”


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