CIA to get torture tips from MRT


One is a sophisticated  and feared group, and the other is just the CIA
One is a sophisticated and feared group, and the other is just the CIA

Representatives from CIA or the Central Intelligence Agency are in Manila to experience a unique brand of torture only found in the Philippines. A system of torture so ingenious and malevolent, it’s actually funded by the same people it tortures. We are talking, of course, about the MRT.

“Your MRT is quite amazing”, says Special Agent Andrew Bernard, liaison to the CIA. “I mean the intention of any public transportation system is to make commuting an easy and hassle-free experience, but your MRT doesn’t do any of that! It doesn’t even come close. And people go back everyday! It’s really magical if you think about it.”

Mr. Bernard continues. “Everything about the MRT doesn’t make sense. You have to queue 45 minutes to ride a train that takes you to the next stop 15 minutes away. And that’s if the train even arrives.”

“Sometimes, the train doesn’t even go all the way. It stops half way, and then passengers have to walk the rest of the way. Then they complain and bitch on Twitter and Facebook. And then after all that pain and misery, they come back the next day! That’s some ISIS-level torture tactics. ”

Mr. Bernard reveals to Agila News the goal for the visit to Manila. “We at the CIA pride ourselves in our expertise on torture and, well, that’s it actually. After seeing how your MRT works, we are clearly not doing enough. We hope to learn whatever we can. And I’m sure after we subject any terrorist to riding your MRT, they will give up their plans, friends, family and their will to live. “

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