Pasay City, Philippines –
Nestor Sumangga has finally come out in the open and admitted something that buffet goers have been speculating about for the longest time – “Yeah, we don’t mean Happy Birthday when we sing it to you. Not after doing it a hundred times a day.” Nestor, a full time service crew of a popular buffet chain recently agreed to an interview to reveal one of the best kept industry secrets: The song and dance numbers are just there to make you feel like your existence is validated by more people than in reality. The restaurant he works for has a standard policy of presenting a small birthday cake and candle to celebrant customers along with a short song and dance party from the crew.
“I’m pretty sure it’s the same everywhere. Itallianis, Gumbos, Vikings, Yakimix, wherever. We sing, we dance, we don’t give a flying fuck that you’re here celebrating your birthday here. Just like the 97 others today or the 567 others this week. It’s just our job and we need to do it. Sometimes whenever I’m dancing to the tune of the Happy Birthday Nae-nae remix, I imagine bathing in the blood of the management who force this burden upon us after showering the fields of pain with unadulterated carnage. On better days days I just think of better tips. ”
Asked if he feels guilty in doing this, Nestor shook his head. “Nobody who loves you has bothered to prepare anything more meaningful than showing up and eating like glutonous monsters from Sodom and Gomorrah. You’re older. You’re closer to dying. Congratulations. Stuff your mouth with Tempura and sashimi and go. We have a job to do refilling the tempura and sashimi trays. You want sincerity? Find actual friends who care.”