All posts by Tim Drake

BPI terminates contract with Oompa-Loompa IT Firm

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In the wake of a massive technical glitch that affected its clients causing balances to be incorrectly debited or credited, BPI has had no choice but to immediately terminate their contract with their Oompa-Loompa IT Outsourcing Firm.

Spokesperson for BPI said in a statement to Agila News, “We have to had to unfortunately sever ties with our Oompa-Loompa IT Firm, where we outsource a majority of our development and technology-related operations. While we were initially impressed by their practical jokes and singing, we have since realized that they actually do not have any programming or database experience. Some of them have never seen a computer before.”

As everyone knows, Oompa-Loompas are small humans who would end up being preyed upon or attacked by the various predators that also reside in Loompaland before Willy Wonka BPI invited them to work in his factory at their office and are paid in their favorite food, cocoa beans mutual funds, which were extremely rare on their island.

While BPI assures its clients that no money has been lost, and that normal banking operations will resume soon, they have also began looking for a new IT Outsourcing Firm. According to a bank insider, “I think its time to focus on stop hiring foreigners and give back jobs to our local work force”. Several front-runners are companies represented by Kapres, Dwendes and Manananggals.

Waze to just display, “Wag na kayo lumabas, gago” during 30th ASEAN Summit

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Mobile application WAZE will reportedly take a different approach during the upcoming 30th ASEAN Summit on April 26 – 29. The popular app will display the message “Wag na kayo lumabas, gago” when users attempt to find fastest routes to their respective destinations.

Gary Apal, head of Marketing for Waze, said that users will appreciate the honesty and directness of the app during this period.

“In all truthfulness, our servers would probably crash trying to help people find a place that has no traffic during the summit.”, Mr. Apal declared. “In super duper truthfulness, if there were no people driving at all, our jobs would be much easier.”

WAZE users can look forward to similar messages during other kinds of high traffic seasons such as Christmas. The marketing team have told us that they are currently choosing between “Si Santa nga stuck sa EDSA, gusto mo pa din lumabas?!?” and “Walang naghahanap sa’yo. Jan ka na lang sa bahay.”