Category Archives: Government

Local Idiot defends Martial Law using website of even bigger Idiot

An Artists Rendering of what the Internet would look like with Martial Law

Rolanj Gastok is a modern day rebel. Despite all the evidence and facts stating the contrary, this fucking moron still thinks that Martial Law, “isn’t that bad“.

“I know that every peer-reviewed book, both local and international, paints Martial Law in the Philippines as it’s darkest hour, but I still think this is just being exaggerated.”, Gastok tells Agila News in an exclusive interview.

“Sure, I can go on the Internet and look at hundreds upon hundreds of online articles that chronicle the human rights violations that occurred as well as the huge economic debt that was accumulated which my children, and their children, and their children’s children will forever have to pay off. ” the stupid dumbass continues. “Or, I can go and read unverified nonsense and unsubstantiated conjecture that feeds the inner troll in me that believes anything opposite of the status quo because it seems cooler.”

Agila News contacted the asshole that runs TakeThisPilipinas to ask his sources, and he just sent a picture of his actual asshole. This confirms studies and investigative reports that most pro-Martial Law people are full of shit.

Agila News is painfully aware that a lot Martial Law defenders might get offended by this post. That in retaliation, they might post their own horribly written articles attacking this or any entity that shows a any opinion than differs from their own. Agila News should remind these idiots that the reason anyone is allowed to speak their mind at all was because the Filipinos rose up against Martial Law.

And just because Agila News is against Martial Law does not mean that they are pro-Aquino or under the payroll of the Yellow Conglomerate. It just means that Agila News is ANTI-getting-their-nipples-electrocuted.


Philippines to change tourism slogan to “It’s More Fun in the Philippines … unless you are gay and want to get married”

In the interest of being accurate, some Philippine officials are pushing to change the Philippines tourism slogan from “It’s More Fun in the Philippines” to “It’s More Fun in the Philippines … unless your gay and want to get married“.

“We want to make sure that there is no confusion.”, says a local congressman, who is part of the group of officials who want the change in the slogan. “Everyone is allowed to have fun, except if you are gay. They are not allowed to have fun. Or get married.”

The official continued, “If anything, they should be thanking us. Marriage is not a big deal. Sure, it just let’s couples make a lifelong commitment to love and take care of each other. And they can also provide medical and life insurance to their spouse in case of emergencies. And there are also tax benefits for legally married couples. But I’m sure these are not important to the gays.”

“We have to always keep in mind that we are a deeply religious and conservative country. Sure, our most popular TV shows and films are about married couples having affairs. And our most popular celebrities and politicians have children outside of wedlock. And allowing gay people to get married doesn’t affect traditional marriages at all. But, hey, uhmm, the Bible. Right?”

“I mean, sure, supporting gay marriage could guarantee me votes from a growing and vocal voting community. Plus lots of positive press. And it would be the decent and right thing to do. But, uhmm. Uhmm. Why is this illegal again? Because of backwards thinking, religious fundamentalist dickheads like me? Yeah, that sound about right.”