Tag Archives: security

BPI terminates contract with Oompa-Loompa IT Firm

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In the wake of a massive technical glitch that affected its clients causing balances to be incorrectly debited or credited, BPI has had no choice but to immediately terminate their contract with their Oompa-Loompa IT Outsourcing Firm.

Spokesperson for BPI said in a statement to Agila News, “We have to had to unfortunately sever ties with our Oompa-Loompa IT Firm, where we outsource a majority of our development and technology-related operations. While we were initially impressed by their practical jokes and singing, we have since realized that they actually do not have any programming or database experience. Some of them have never seen a computer before.”

As everyone knows, Oompa-Loompas are small humans who would end up being preyed upon or attacked by the various predators that also reside in Loompaland before Willy Wonka BPI invited them to work in his factory at their office and are paid in their favorite food, cocoa beans mutual funds, which were extremely rare on their island.

While BPI assures its clients that no money has been lost, and that normal banking operations will resume soon, they have also began looking for a new IT Outsourcing Firm. According to a bank insider, “I think its time to focus on stop hiring foreigners and give back jobs to our local work force”. Several front-runners are companies represented by Kapres, Dwendes and Manananggals.

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NAIA security finds Ballistic Missile in APEC Official’s purse

In what can only be described as the most amazing thing that has ever happened at an airport, NAIA officials claim to have caught an unnamed female APEC official trying to smuggle in an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) in her purse.

Both the bag AND missile were identified as being the summer line of Hermes
Both the bag AND missile were identified as coming from the summer line of Hermes

“We couldn’t believe our eyes when we saw it.” said Officer Josefa Lacundin, who manned the x-ray machine. “We were obviously planning on planting bullets in her luggage to extort her for the entire GDP of whatever country she came from, so this was quite a shock for everyone in our corrupt staff.”

“We aren’t used to seeing anything out of the ordinary. ” Officer Lacundin tells Agila News. “You see, we are all in this to make money, and have no interest whatsoever in securing the airports for our fellow countrymen. Since this is our first time EVER neutralizing a threat, a lot of us are scrambling to figure out what the next legal step is. ”

Josefa further said that, “We would have liked to put her in our temporary holding cells, but it’s currently full of innocent Filipinos. It’s really quite a problem for us here.”

The female APEC official is refusing to comment on the situation. But sources close to the official claim that this was a lucky charm given to her by Saddam Hussein.